i can't seem to tag my own board. anyway, i just got off the phone with him.

to you.
sometimes i really wish i can have the old you back. the one i met at zhiwei's house on the 11th of february. the one i spent 5 months smsing, talking on the phone, and having hours of msn chats with. the one who just can't get enough of me.
i'm sorry. i already felt as though i couldn't be in this relationship anymore a few days ago. i really can't trust you anymore, and i know its not completely your fault.
remember when called me three nights ago? i still remember the exact conversation.
"baby do you still love me?"
"(i didn't say anything)"
"baby. do you still love me?"
"huh.."
"ok nevermind. i know you don't. but i want you to know even if you don't i'll still love you ok?"

it was sweet of you. i know. as much as i was touched (really touched), i couldn't bring myself to really love you again. its as though i'm forbidding myself to do it. i've gone through too much. too much hurt, too much pain, one too many emotional breakdowns. you might say that i've been pitying myself too much and who knows, maybe its true. in that case, however cliche might sound, its just me, not you. but yea i just couldn't bring myself to love you again, because in my heart, its as though all the hurt and pain will happen again and i really can't take that. really.

please don't argue with this: you've been really impatient and short-tempered with me lately.

just now, all i wanted was to clarify some matters with you. i kept telling myself maybe breakup isn't the only way out. there might be other ways to salvage our relationship. but from the way you reacted, i could tell there is no other way. getting angry and shouting and making outbursts of rage, all because i asked you 'why have you been so short-tempered with me lately?' you said you answered my question already. let me refresh your memory. you haven't. all you said was "i don't know" , "you should go to sleep now we can talk about this another day" , "you've already asked that"
and then you start getting angry when i repeated my question, saying that you've "already answered that question so many times" and that the reason you get so angry with me when i ask that is because "i keep asking you questions you've already answered".

even if you did, which you didn't, why do you get angry with me over a simple thing like asking questions? if i've asked you that before, so be it. why do you have to get angry? is it worth straining our relationship over it? is it worth making me upset over it?

just now i asked you "what's wrong with you lately?". and you replied "what's wrong with ME??".so ok fine. so i asked "ok so what's wrong with me then". and you couldn't give me an answer. you kept saying "don't know la" and "you should go to sleep". i really wanted to know the answer. after that you got angry with me. again. all i've done was to leave you alone.

and then after a few more minutes of your angry outbursts and me calmly repeating my questions, you hung up on me. i lay in bed for a few minutes, just thinking what i should do next. i got the answer pretty soon. its hard not to when for the past few weeks i've been nothing but a very upset girlfriend, and for the past week, an emoshit.

called you back, and mentioned break up. i don't know why i cried. please ignore the crying part of the conversation, i know you get irritated when i cry. and then you said things like you don't know what i want etc etc. asked me to look at your latest smses, saying that you talked to me very nicely. you said that's what i want, nice smses, and you gave me that and you don't know what else i want and don't understand why i'm so unhappy.

let me take what you said a couple of weeks ago as an example. we were quarreling. i said "i let you go clubbing, leave you alone, let you spend time with your friends, what else you want?" and then you said "letting me go out with my friends is something RIGHT. i should be able to go out with my friends." yes, i agree with you on that. so now what i'm saying is, isn't sending me nice smses a right thing to do? i'm your girlfriend?? or WAS your girlfriend. don't tell me you like sending me nasty messages 24/7. and if you actually have to make an effort to be nice to me, wow. that just hurts. that's why i said just now that you can't stand me, tired of me and all. and then you argued and said the reason why you're tired of me is cos i keep asking you the same questions over and over again. ????? okay...

and i really, really cannot forget the terribly horrendous stuff you've said to me. stuff like 'slut', 'bitch', telling me i might as well be a pole dancer when i wore a tube top with a skirt to Vaunt, and lastly (of all the insults, this hurt me the most), asking me how it felt to get gang-banged by thai dicks when i came back from malaysia. its pretty amazing how you have the heart to say all that to me even though you love me. you might say that you said all that in spite, because you were angry. but i can't just keep taking all your insults and forget them after that, even if you apologised. those hurtful words are just etched inside me already.

i don't want to rant too much. and finally, i asked you if you like the way things are now. us barely sending each other 5smses/day, barely talking on the phone, going out only like once a month. and you said yes. yes, you like the way things are now. i don't even want to mention my reaction when i heard that. all these plus

- i cannot call you in the middle of the night if i can't sleep, cos you will be angry with me and shout at me and ask me to go sleep, and when i say that i can't sleep, you ask me to try. as if i never try before calling you. i only call you as a last resort now. do you know that? too clear about your reaction.
- i cannot sms you as and when i feel like it, cos you'll feel irritated.
- i cannot ask you questions, cos you'll get angry at me again and say that you feel so controlled and that you always have to answer to me.
- i cannot restrict anything you do, cos you'll be saying i'm not happy to let you do the things you want to do.
- i cannot ask you to go out with me, cos you'll say that i force you to go out with me. and even when i do ask you to go out with me, the outing will be like a one-sided one. you aren't happy about going out on that day, and you fucking show it. the only time when we can go out together is when you ask me to. and even so, i'm sure that will be to the bare minimum. the bare minimum.

i'm not fabricating all of these. it has happened before. maybe there are others but i can't seem to recall. initially, i had alot of things i wanted to mention about but i can't seem to remember now. but what's the point of remembering all of that? its not as if you'll change. you obviously don't feel how you've treated me is wrong. i won't be surprised if even until now, you feel that i've been doing all the wrecking in our relationship. but i can't do anything about that. i shouldn't even care anymore. and maybe i don't. or maybe i do. but time heals all wounds so i'll definitely be fine after a while.

i hope you'll do fine in your IB course next year. i don't know what course it is but i'm sure its a good one. don't let your daddy down. he has high hopes on you. and try to control your temper sometimes. i know you get angry easily and lots of things make you agitated but there's no point getting angry. do you recall a passage in the chinese o level paper talking about anger? hope you'll take that seriously. it really pains me to see how angry you can get over minor things. and lastly, i hope that you'll really find the girl who loves you for who you are. one who doesn't make you so angry and frustrated all the time. thank you for this 8, close to 9, months relationship. plus the memorable five months before that. i'll never forget that. take care.