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I'M FUCKING IRRITATED + ANNOYED + ANGRY + UPSET + DISAPPOINTED + VERY VERY SAD NOW FUCK WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN TO ME ALL THE TIME.


i need some form of release

eh wah lao wait i can't find the video when phebe told me its alrd on youtube...

KK I FOUND IT HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA OMG OK WAIT I'M GONNA WATCH IT AGAIN HAHA OMG I SEE MY PRIMARY SCH PIC SHIT HAHAHHA


k done. wanted to post the vid up but my pics all damn unglam (no kidding right ms tan haha) esp the one of me in a blazer omg what was i thinking!

anyway work was fine :) :) :) many more helpers were around today, ALLLLL from an allgirls school -.- worked overtime today hahahaha boss chased me out at 7++ :(

anorexia does not work for me anymore. so now its a 500 calories/day plan. everything was going well today. skipped breakfast + lunch. but there was some celebration thing going on in the office today and they gave me a piece of cake and i ate it :'( and i skipped lunch so at 4pm celeste came in and gave me a muffin and i ate it as well :'( i came home and daddy gave me a box of belgian chocolates and i ate three pieces after battling with myself for a looong time :'( :'( after that, bro came home with cheeseburgers :'( :'( :'( adanvqeviowbvioq shit!

k i'm freaking pissed now someone's making my blood boiiiiiil time for bed anyway gotta get up early tomorrow again. GOING SHOPPING WITH MOMMY AFTER WORK TOMORROW YAY

i'm damn tired work was omg and hershey's cherry cordial kisses sucks and yes i sneakily ate a few pieces when nobody was looking (i think. i hope.) and i think the warehouse is my kind of heaven haha byebye

so... camp kinda. i dunno. the bbq was fine. farewell celebration was great! i didn't sleep at all couldn't seem to fall asleep. so fer, xm and i went off to eat hotcakes W SAUSAGE (:D:D:D) at 5 in the morning. had macs the whole way man i'm serious. had 4 nuggets before camp started, fries before 'bedtime' and hotcakes in the morning. gonna starve myself again hahahahahahahah shit man i ate so much last night.

anyway... really can't stand some of my juniors. not joan's batch or bel's batch and of course not yuhan's batch. its the P6 ones the 1994(lol) people. i mean hello? doubt you guys even exchanged a word to any of the sec 4s right. just stared at us and scrutinised for the entire camp.

so anyway like i said, the three of us went off to eat macs in the morning right. came back, wanted to snuggle into my sleeping bag and catch a wink or two. went up and gee there was someone sleepin in my sleeping bag. one of those P6 ones at that but its ok. really its fine she was probably tired and couldn't find any other place. so i just went down and joined xm and fer and slept on one of those wooden benches in front of the general office. when i woke up i went upstairs only to find my sleeping bag missing -.- and i found out who was the one who slept in it and she just gave me this incredulous stare when i asked where my sleeping bag was. like wow not even a word of thanks? you guys are good man. really good.

so okkkk after that bel gave up her seat on the couch to me. hahahaha not bad! woke up to find nooraini dragging me off the couch -.- lol cos they were clearing the room and stuff. no points for guessing who didn't help and was out of the room first hahahahaha shit i'm sooo gonna get flamed. anyway, fer found this camera and it belonged to one of the other P6 girls and haha i told miss tan to throw it away :l which she didn't of course :( then we asked who's cam was it and this P6 girl raised up her hand. and just remained seated there as if expecting miss tan to go over and hand her the cam personally. i was like omgwtfwtfwtf should have thrown the cam away.... she might have been tired and all but hey its not as if we were totally hyped up right. seriously, their attitude suck balls.

being anorexic helps alooooooooooooot if you're tryin to fit into your prom gown. i just bought a gown today and its a size 101010101010. ok no its just a ten i just wanted to emphasize on the number hahahahahaha although i know its still very big but did you know i was a 16 last time and ya i'm not gonna emphasize on that number hahahahahahahaha ANYWAY! just give me a few more months and as what i was telling sherry a while ago, i'll be bringing sexy back! size 0000000! hahahahahah no mc i'm not bringing you back. stop smiling. hehe

saw this black gown i reaaaaaaaaaally liked but they didn't have it in my size! and for the first time, i couldn't buy something i really liked just cos it was too BIG for me HAHAHAHHA aiya i was damn sad...

kk i seem to be a part-time-anorexic-patient now. -stares at empty bowl in front which contained fried rice about 10 minutes ago...- and i think i'm gonna get kidney failure before i even hit thirty. the fried rice alrd had salt in it. i added more salt + soya sauce + salted minced pork hahahahahhahahahaha geeeeeeeee. i still remember mc saying something like 'if you get kidney failure don't expect me to donate my kidney to you ah'. thanks i know how much you love me. hehehehe okok i'll stop teasing you wait you make me close down my blog. :'(

ok wait you really make me close down my blog boo. :'(

vball camp tomorrow but i'm feeling terribly guilty man. all the seniors are going at 6pm and missing out on the programmes the sec threes planned out for the afternoon. sorry guys i don't know about the others but kayaking and fishing is just not my thing! you guys should know right hahahahahaha

k i just realised i ate alot today. conclusion: must double up determination + perseverance when i'm out with kai, who goes around and shrieks at food. no kidding. "aiyee berry (she still keeps up with calling me berry after years) that one looks so nice!" "kai loves bread. yum yum." she doesn't sound like a 17-year-old from hwa chong right hahahahahahaha ok kai i'm so sorry hahaha but you're damn funny

OH YEAH. i went to crystal jade yesterday and i ordered this thingy which had like 6 of those soup buns + the beef brisket thing! :D:D i'd pick that over whatever la mian anyday and i like spring rolls :D + RED BEAN PANCAKE although i haven't tried it but it looks good so i like it hahahah. total bill was $40+++ AND I PAID FOR IT ALL YES!!! i felt so happy after that! ...k weirdo. bye.

maybe i should get my money back. should i? hahahahah many are saying that i'm being very stupid :'(

anyway i've yet to blog about what happened during surge night. i got banned from mos hahahaha. was brought to the interrogation place and the police (i think) wanted to confiscate my IC. then i stood there and burst into tears (hahahahahha!) then the guy was like "and i'll have to ban you from MOS tonight ok?" then i cried even harder when he tried to chop the banned stamp on my wrists then he said "no don't cry! the ban is just for tonight. and i'll give your IC back to you." then i tried to say that i'm a guest for the event then he said there's nothing he can do then i ran off crying hahahaha stupid bouncer

GOING OUT WITH MC LATER HAHA EVERYTHING'S MY TREAT! KK I GTG GET READY I'M GONNA PUT ON MAKE-UP HAHAHAH I HOPE I DON'T SCREW UP BYE

Just a few personal messages...

decided not to blog the whole shit out. there's no point anyway. just gonna blog a few things directly to some people.

to dawn, i don't know if you'll be reading this but i'll just say it here anyway. i really did not say i'm not grateful for helping me pay my absorb fee first. that aside, you said that you'll meet me at 7pm in front of MOS to pass me my 10 tickets. i was there punctually but not only did you arrive close to 8pm, i didn't get my tickets at all. hell i didn't even see the tickets that night. this was what i was afraid of when i was so reluctant to give you the money first you understand? pardon me if i'm wrong, but you didn't even seem to care if your bro came down with the tickets or not. i understand that both you and shaun had other things to worry about but you could have at least worked something out as you did tell me i'll get them by 7pm. by the time i cabbed home at 1am+ i still did not even catch a glimpse of the tickets when i transferred money into your acc for all 10 of the tickets that afternoon. this was what i was complaining to shaun about. i don't know what he said to you that made you so angry + sarcastic towards me.


to shaun, lol. i don't even know what to say to you, really. i just hope you read the last few messages i sent to you via msn. i don't know if you're angry with me now or what (actually, why would you be? i didn't even trouble you much last night. you didn't let me. just kept running away from me. lol.) but honestly, i don't really care any way. i thought it was horrendous the way you spoke in such a different tone in the combined conversation. it just made me realise what kind of person you really are.

and i've seen the way you work. honestly, i'm not crazy over it. you might tell me everyone works like that. but hey, last night, you tried to sell tickets to my schoolmates when they already bought from me, only they didn't have the tickets yet cos we were waiting for dawn's bro to come with it. and then you said stuff like you have the tickets on hand if they buy from you they can receive it immediately. then they said they already paid me and you asked me to return the money to them, so that they can purchase the tickets from you. i was really like wtf man are you that desperate to sell off your tickets you'd even poach away my only buyers? its not as if you don't know that people cancelled tickets on me cos they waited for hours and the tickets still didn't arrive. its not about the money issue now. that just reflected on how much a 'friend' i am to you. i mean, what kind of friend does that, really. lol.

and being sooo reluctant to give me my guest pass. i mean seriously any fool can see that you were reluctant. you obviously weren't joking with me or whatever i could see the expression in your eyes and your body language that you didn't have enough guest passes on hand. excuse me if i'm wrong but when you told me "wait i'll pass it to you later" i figured it meant "wait i might have better people to pass it to and then i will cock up some story to tell you why you don't have a guest pass" lol. correct me if i'm wrong but that's the way i felt at that moment in time.

and couldn't you have at least the courtesy to inform me of any mishap beforehand? i'm not saying that you're obliged to i just feel that it would be decent enough. like telling me you have taken derrick off the guestlist. at least he could have bought a ticket from me at $13 instead of getting one from you at $25. and you really left me alone at the carpark while you went off with dawn everywhere.
and if not for hongjie's help, i would not have known you were at ZOUK (omg really wtf) and i would have foolishly stayed outside MOS for a much longer time. i don't blame you for going off to zouk halfway because i can understand that cos the matters you were handling last night were driving you nuts and you proly went over to have a good time but you could have at least informed me, no? i know my phone died but its not as if i didn't update you on the number in which you can reach me at.

again, i'm not angry over the money i could have made from the remaining 6 tickets. hell i would have made an even bigger loss if you3 didn't pass me the 4 tickets. but its ok. the money for the 6 tickets (buyers were purchasing them at $16 each so that amounts up to $96), you can keep. i don't really wish to get it i guess i'll just treat it as the price i paid. and i don't wanna spend the time and effort chasing after you for my money cos after all, you were a pretty good friend to me before all these shit happened, and you might have other more important things to handle i don't wish to bug you about money problems like this.

be assured that although i did say i never wanna see you again, i'm not irresponsible as to chuck the tickets for flow + zoukout at you immediately. just to update you, i'm trying my best to finish selling the remaining 7 tickets for flow and as for zoukout, my bro said that his friends are interested and all but if there are unsold tickets the booklet will definitely reach your hands by december 1 (as i think you need to go down to zouk's office the following day).


to derrick, you have no idea how sorry and upset i was over what happened to you. having to purchase a ticket at $25 (btw someone came up to me and asked if i'd wanna buy a ticket for $13!!! you should have waited around :( ), having to handle all your friends + the unsolved thing over the priority queue. i had no idea you were not in the guestlist anymore until that day itself. although i know the 5 bucks i contributed towards your ticket isn't much but i was short on cash last night and could only get cash when i sold my 10 tickets. i know you're angry with me cos you told your friends that they can get this and that but i didn't know they couldn't cos shaun was the one who told me all those things ok? he also promised me free drinks and stuff but i doubt i would have gotten them myself. nevertheless, i know that last night was tough on you as your friends were most probably grumbling and stuff. i know a sorry won't help anything but i'm gonna apologise to you anyway. and i know you might have felt as though i didn't give a shit about what happens to you in the end and stuff but i really had alot of things to handle last. and i've already tried to balance everything out but i know


to the people i promised priority queue to aka zhixian, gabe etc etc, i'm not sure if you guys got it in the end (right now, i don't even know if there's such a thing as priority queue) but i highly doubt so. i'm terribly sorry you have no idea how apologetic i was last night and am right now. and again, i know sorry won't help things but i just hope you guys will understand.

kk i just woke up. hahahahhaa ok wait i'm settling the shit with shaun now. i'll DEFINITELY blog about it later. you have no idea how freaking pisssssed i was last night.

blog tomorrow. promise.

*********** is fucked up shit pleaaaase. and that butch is omg i don't wanna say -.- -.-

i've done everything i can. i just hope God will be with me and help me through this... i know why he made me go through this you know. i really do. it was to help me and lead me back to the correct path. and i really appreciate it. those who wants to know what happened can just ask me on msn. i might blog about it but i might not hahahah so yeah if you really want to know just ask i'll tell you. but now, all i ask, is for this other problem to be solved. and after dec9, i'm washing my hands off this 'business'.

fucked up day. fucked up people making me go crazy. one annoying me like shit right now. after a totally fucked up day today, i've decided to announce something. but i want mc to be the first one to know hahahaha so i'll post it here after telling him... tomorrow. or something. no mood to blog. what a day, really.

1. Smoked before
2. Drunk alcohol before
3. Slept with someone of the opposite sex
4. Slept with someone of the same sex
5. Gotten into any fights
6. Kissed someone of the opposite sex
7. Kissed someone of the same sex
8. Had someone in your room of the opposite sex
9. Scolded vulgarities
10. Bought porn
11. Take drugs before medicine
12. Hate going to the doctor's
13. Lied to your parents
14. Lied to a friend
15. Snuck out of the house
16. Done something illegal
17. Cut yourself
18. Hurt someone
19. Wished someone to die
20. Seen someone die
21. Missed curfew
22. Stayed up all night
23. Eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself
24. Been to a therapist
25. Been to a rehab
26. Dyed your hair
27. Received a ticket
28. Been in a wreck
29. Been to a club
30. Been to a bar
31. Been to a wild party
32. Seen the Mardi Gras
33. Had a fight
34. Had a spring break in Florida
35. Sniffed anything
36. Wore black nail polish
37. Wore wristbands
39. Wore black eyeliner
40. Own a 50 cent CD
41. Hugged someone of the opposite sex
42. Hugged someone of the same sex
43. Gone out with someone of the same sex
44. Gone out with someone of the opposite sex
45. Stole something
46. Been too drunk to remember anything
47. Blacked out
48. Fainted
49. HAVE a crush on your neighbour
50. Had someone else snuck into your room
51. Snuck into someone else's room
52. Had a crush on someone of the same sex
53. Had gone and watched movies with friends
54. Dry humped someone
55. Been called a slut
56. Called someone a slut
57. Installed speakers in your car
58. Broke a mirror
59. Showered at someone of the opposite sex's house
60. Brushed your teeth with someone else's brush
61. Consider Mac, Dre, e40 or Mistah Fab your favorite rapper
62. Seen an R rated movie in theaters
63. Gone out with friends to the mall
64. Skipped school
65. Had an eating disorder
66. Had hurt yourself before
67. Gone to court
68. Walked out of a restaurant without paying
69. Caught something on fire
70. Lied about your age
71. Owned an apartment
72. Cheated on your boyfriend/girlfriend
73. Cheated with someone
74. Got in trouble with the police
75. Talked to a stranger
76. Hugged a stranger
77. Kissed a stranger
78. Rode in the car with a stranger
79. Been sexually harassed
80. Been verbally harassed
81. Met face to face with someone you met online
82. Stayed online for 12 hours straight
83. Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
84. Watched TV for 12 hours straight
85. Been to a fair
86. Been called a bad influence
87. Cursed
88. Prank called someone
89. Laid in the bed with someone of the opposite sex
90. Cheated on a test
91. Cheated on homework
92. Held hands with someone of the opposite sex
93. Want to be dead
94. Cut yourself before
95. Hate(d) yourself
96. Had a crush on someone 10 years older than you
98. Worn eyeliner
99. Skinny dipped
100. Laughed at someone who was seriously hurt

ha doing this made me realise i forgot to say that.............i don't know how to put on makeup.

found these in a folder hahahhahaha

lol check out xm's expression

eh. weird shit i don't know how to describe this


twas before our east zone finals!

HAHAHAHA ok byee

training yesterday sucked balls. i was under-performing like shiiiiit. so bad that coach had to sub me out. bullfrogs. not going back anymore. one, because i suck so bad at my sport that i don't have the mood to play anymore , and two, because i'll be working. but even if i'm free during a training day i still won't go. pffft.

this shitass girl is pissing me off although she didn't do much. hahahaha heck she's rubbish anyway.

if anyone comes asking me for tickets now i'll be like zzz -.- don't ask why.

no mood to blog. bye

EH GUYS I'M SERIOUS! DON'T YOU NEED TICKETS FOR SURGE!!!

two motherfuckers tried tried to steal my cab yesterday when it was like five minutes til my exam starts. and they're like 40+ years old -.- seriously. and i started telling them off and this guy just stared at me and started laughing. you know why? cos he fucking doesn't understand english. which just downgrades them even further. i'm not trying to be some arrogant prat but i seriously cannot stand cab snatchers. don't understand english and still wanna laugh at me. fuckerrrrs

ha so anyway, in point form,

- acc mcq was quite alright.
- adam is not going to surge anymore he returned his tickets yesterday :(
- jeremy's friends bought surge tickets from this other girl for $14/tic... and mind you they bought ALOT. it was like what. twenty plus?
- i ate alot last night fuck. i seem to be like on a starve-yourself-the-whole-day-and-binge-at-night kinda thing. not good not good.
- cried myself to sleep last night again. ask yourself why. i hate you.

agenda of today
- go out NOW to get * (hahahaha)
- meet zx at orchard mrt to pass him his tic
- meet shaun at wisma's starbucks
- meet all the buyers at wisma's starbucks
- rush off to nyjc for training
- TRAINING HAHAHAHAHA I LOVE TRAINING

ok byebye

i just dreamt that i got a C5 for all my subjects + i had to retake chinese Os again. and mr joseph lim was the one who handed me my result slip. and he was making fun of me etc etc i got so mad i was like fuck i hate this school i hate the fucking teachers who are so fucked up like you. you should have seen the expression on him face man....priceless. accounts paper 1 in less than an hour's time and i'm still at home in my pjs. shit.

DON'T YOU GUYS NEED TICKETS FOR SURGE :( :( :( :( hahahha anyway

i don't know why some people (e.g. me) are willing to spend money on snacks which will in the end make them gain weight. i mean seriously. its almost three in the morning, and i'm sitting here, happily blogging & eating snicker pods. jesus i just finished two packets of seaweed just now mc is not gonna be pleased...

...and i ate a fucking lot today haha oh shit oh shit oh shiiiiiiiit. i ate three ice cream cones (yea just the cone i only like the cone hahahhahaha) + half a dish of baked rice from pastamania (i couldn't finish it and anyway it tasted weird) + instant noodles (i'll tell you guys why later) + a packet of tom yum seaweed, a packet of wasabi seaweed + HUNDREDS OF PODS. holy crap and please its not throughout the day. all these were consumed within what. 4 hours? minus the pods that is. anyhow i'm not suppose to be eating. ok shit i sound anorexic.

oh yeah. hahaha cos mc was like saying he's hungry on msn just now and said to cook noodles for him. i asked how in the world am i gonna pass it to him. through the void known as cyberspace? and he said yeah! and i doublechecked with him whether he really wanted me to cook for him and he said yes. so i really went to cook the noodles :( (no please stop laughing i have realised my stupidity) then i came back and happily told him i cooked the noodles already. and he was like 'huh you really went to cook?'. HIWSOBAZSPINVPWNBOEBNO so i lied to him and said i dump the noodles away to make him feel bad hahaha. yeah you can guess where the noodles actually went.... :( (x 1000)

+ bunny told me training's on saturday instead of tomorrow (or rather, today) and i can't make it on saturday! gtg meet althea. or maybe not. i forgot what shaun told me. but anyway, the main thing is i can't make it on saturday and i. can't. fucking. train. the. fucking. flab. off. fuck.

SURGE! @ MOS , 21st NOV.
first party right after the o's!!

Featuring surprise adrenaline pumpin' boxing match between two hunks over a girl
and that's gonna set the temperature surgin through the roof!
plus! a betting booth will be set up so place your bets on the hunk you think is gonna win the boxing match!

don't wanna miss out on THE party of the season?
then GET YOUR TICKETS NOW!
$20 presale, $25 at the door, + one complimentary drink
age limit : 16 years and above
doors open from 7:30pm all the way till 4am!

contact me via msn; cherishness at hotmail dot com!

want extra perks?? if you order from me right now, you can get in without queuing! thaaaaat's right just come to the front to look for me and i'll let you in after checking your IDs. its that simple!

if you're interested in becoming a runner, do contact me as well. COMMISSION IS NEGOTIABLE! :)


hello. i know i'm suppose to be out with kai and wei but kai has training so she told me and i said ok we'll go out another day then. but i was still planning to go out with wei but kai smsed wei saying that we postponed the thing so wei made other plans for tomorrow already and i'm stuck with no plans at all -.- -.- -.-

but i'm going to meet mc at vivo later... hmmm.

accounts paper sucked balls man.

don't know what else to blog about... OH YEAH. i ate like a fuckin lot last night! geeeee i seriously seriously think its cos i told the truth to mom. perhaps i was troubled over lying to my parents...

this is sucha boring post, i know. byeeee

i think i'm suffering from rheumatism (hahahahaa)...

...+ insomnia. haven't been able to fall asleep these few days. i mean i do sleep but its that kind of you-do-sleep-but-you-wake-up-feeling-as-though-you-haven't-slept-at-all sleep. and i take freaking long to drift off to sleep.

so anyway, i just finished eating dinner hahahahaha. i feel like hurling. anyway i'm not on a diet or whatever. seriously. i WAS. but i decided to stop about a few days ago but now i find food repulsive i don't know why. hopefully my appetite will get better... its already getting better. reckon its cos i finally told mom about surge. manage to persuade her to let me stay out that night... say... have you guys gotten your tickets yet? haha get em from me!


SURGE! @ MOS , 21st NOV.
first party right after the o's!!

Featuring surprise adrenaline pumpin' boxing match between two hunks over a girl
and that's gonna set the temperature surgin through the roof!
plus! a betting booth will be set up so place your bets on the hunk you think is gonna win the boxing match!

don't wanna miss out on THE party of the season?
then GET YOUR TICKETS NOW!
$20 presale, $25 at the door, + one complimentary drink
age limit : 16 years and above
doors open from 7:30pm all the way till 4am!

contact me via msn; cherishness at hotmail dot com!

want extra perks?? if you order from me right now, you can get in without queuing! thaaaaat's right just come to the front to look for me and i'll let you in after checking your IDs. its that simple!

if you're interested in becoming a runner, do contact me as well. COMMISSION IS NEGOTIABLE! :)


OK SHIT WAIT THERE'S A FUCKING BEE IN MY ROOM :'(

hiiii. i don't know a single shit about accounts and my exam is in twelve hours time. God help me :( gonna meet edwin the accounting nerd at macs tomorrow together with derrick cos both of us are totally clueless about accounting formats.

so anyway. woke up at twelve cos my phone was ringing -.- after that i went to do a bit of accounts. wasn't very successful though. ok. it wasn't successful AT ALL. then shaun called at 1+, telling me we have to reach zouk by three -.- so ok i rushed around a lil but in the end i still had to cab AND THE CAB UNCLE WAS FREAKING NUTS he was speeding like nobody's business my feet turned really cold and i was holding on for my dear life. it only took five minutes for him to get from serangoon to town wtf right hahahaha. the cab fare only costed $7++ and that's freaking cheap judging from the distance travelled.

so shaun dawn and i went up to zouk's office (and oh man e* was really daaaaamn haha ok nvm i don't wanna say) then we went to great world's yoshi to eat. i didn't eat anything :( i'm still on my eating disorder hahahahahaha i haven't eaten anything since sunday night except for an apple. and nooooo i'm not having gastrics hahahaha

and. after wearing my contacts again, choosing + changing clothes (which took me like half hour hahahaha), brushing my hair and all ready and set to go out........... shaun told me althea needed to go for an urgent meeting and that she couldn't make it. thanks shaun. now you owe me two.

came home. all shagged from walking around for 6, 7 hours straight. took a bath + washed my contacts. finally settled down on my bed and now shaun's asking me to go out -.- -.- -.- -.- -.- -.- i hope you're reading this. you owe me one now. so there

O.M.G. HAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHA OK THIS IS DEFINITELY CTTM!!! and no its a private joke i'm not telling you what it is.

anyway...
pray for me. lit paper II tomorrow and i have to score like 80+, 90+ to get an overall distinction, based on how i screwed up my paper I.

and again, BUSY BUSY day tomorrow. i'll be meeting like a gazillion people. ok not really a gazillion but to put it vaguely, i'll be covering the north, south and east of sg. + i'm not sleepin tonight. lets see if i'll experience fatigue tomorrow...


kk anyway i have more or less an agenda for the rest of this week;

tuesday daddy's going to shut me at home. he took a day off work to teach me accounts haha i love daddy

wednesday most probably going down to the cocoa tree's head office after my accounts paper. manager wants to brief me on the roadshow!

thursday going to town with kai + wei hahaha i'm fucking excited its been a long time since the three of us went out together! and yeah you can guess what kai's first question was when i asked her if she's free that day.
'where are we going to eat at?'
...o.m.g hahahaha see we weren't exaggerating in last wednesday's post...

friday heading back to nyjc to finally train the flabs off . :( (x 1000)

saturday + sunday will be mugging for my subscience MCQ. have to get 40/40 hahahaha :(

kk goodnight all i'm going to drink some coffee and work through the night again.

basically i just stayed at home, munching the entire day away -.- will update more tomorrow.

fuck i can't sleep there's a fucking moth in my room

there was a bee in my room just now. twas crawling on the floor. asked dad to pick it up with a tissue and throw it out of the window. then he threw the tissue along with it and when i scolded him he said it was to act as a parachute for the bee. riiiiiiight -.-

haha dam!!! can't wait can't wait. oh and shaun too haha you know, i can't wait! fuck man hahaha i'm smiling like shit ok no i feel like a bloody idiot.

k i took almost 6 bloody hours to finish cleaning up my room. twas from like 6++pm-12am. but it was worth it. i love my room now hahahaha. not that i hated it before but. you know. ah forget it. gonna move my television back tomorrow! :D haha

haha eh i'm fucking happy today everything's going my way haha and shit i love my room hahahahahaha ok sorry byebye

shit i regret moving my account to the beta blogger. ain't used to it. anyway i was kept busy the moment i woke up cos i found out that aoignaiovniaeoqgcqmpvwenvwo wtf...

gotta clean my room up by today. desk's a clutter. gotta do it before dad wakes up and forces me to learn the different accounting tables. and its weird how my whole family knows accounting except for me hahaahhaha k later

Random notes

- i almost got knocked down by a cab yesterday

- i bought those $1 block ice cream from the ice cream man yesterday. its still in my fridge. i don't wanna eat it. don't ask me why i bought it in the first place if i don't intend to eat it cos i don't know the answer

- math teacher asked if i've eaten lunch and i said no, i haven't eaten since yesterday morning so she bought me a burger and forced me to eat it -.- -.- -.-

- was freaking stressed an hour before the math paper. but everyone was pretty nice to me! cos i was obviously frantic + ben even gave me his extra cup of apple green tea and you all know what a cheapskate he is... lol

- i teared when we were waiting for 1 minute to pass so we could get started on doing our math paper (it has to start exactly on the dot i don't know why) cos i was so freaking terrified then tat kept giving me the 'please calm down' gesture which made me laugh

- i didn't have enough time to finish a math paper. and its not because i didn't know how to do them. seriously.

- if you really have to know, during the past math exams i was totally clueless about formulas and stuff and i always end up sleeping for 1hr+ and handing up a sheet or two with pathetic solutions to the attempted questions.

- my killer week is over yessssss!

- think i have to retake Os next year...

- am doing a roadshow (i think its a roadshow) for cocoa tree at takashimaya during the december holidays. will love it if you guys come and visit me but no i'm not giving out free chocolates (hahahaha)

- snoogle says hihihihihihihihi ok i just made him face the wall again he talks too much sometimes...

- am going for a run now. i just ate dinner and i'm feeling fuckin guilty. its 8+ i hope i don't run into anymore WEIRD people. bye!

hey! ok this post is suppose to be after the post with snoogle's picture but i want snoogle's picture to stay up there so yeah hahaha i changed the timing. can't sleep and i've had enough of math. haha i think this thing is damn cool everyone should do it

(there was suppose to be some sort of survey thing here...)

kk i just cut the whole chunk off. mood's swinging don't feel like doing stupid quizzes anymore hahahahaha i love snoogle ok byebye

anyway i heard this particular song on the radio a few days ago and could really relate to it but i'm not gonna post the lyrics here because oepqvnaopvmepinvwegw yeah hahahaa -.- ok but if you wanna know you can just ask me on msn.

werry are you reading this i saw the pic you did for me and i think its fuckin ugly hahahahahahahaha bye

KAI LOOK HERE

It's a shame there's no one to blame for all the pain that life brings says:
when we go out shopping
It's a shame there's no one to blame for all the pain that life brings says:
make sure we don't eat anything ok?
It's a shame there's no one to blame for all the pain that life brings says:
we say nooo
It's a shame there's no one to blame for all the pain that life brings says:
cannot
It's a shame there's no one to blame for all the pain that life brings says:
then pull her away from the food
dich arn'eroinav dkljrei. says:
okay
It's a shame there's no one to blame for all the pain that life brings says:
eh what if we pass by famous amos. then we'll be like
dich arn'eroinav dkljrei. says:
to make it really successful
It's a shame there's no one to blame for all the pain that life brings says:
hehee lets buy. OK HAHA LETS BUY YAY
dich arn'eroinav dkljrei. says:
DONT ASK KAI ALONG

hahahahahahaha private joke, meant for kai! hope you're reading this. don't worry me and werry still love you very very much hehe

hahahahaaaaahahahahahahaaha...wtf.

i suddenly feel so motherfuckingly depressed. and shit i'm having hallucinations which feels kinda creepy and weird but i feel happy at the same time cos it proves that i haven't been sleeping well/much/at all and actually that's even more weird cos no one sane should feel happy about it. haven't been eating well lately too but i'm not complaining i really need to lose the pounds i gained after i stopped training and i know i'm rambling again you should really stop reading this cos i'm probably going to end it with a fuck you or something and its gonna contain many many profanities which i know people like ms tan wouldn't appreciate (haha.) and i'm so fucking depressed now i think i screwed my Os i can't get into nyjc to play vball for coach anymore and that just sucks and sigh i need to go do some reflections. what have i fucking done for these 16 years of my life. and one more thing. i can't seem to find that ONE motherfucking true friend who will be there for me always i want that one friend to be with me throughout the entire span of my life and we'll be there for each other for like the next 84 years (i'm gonna die at exactly 100 and don't ask why or how i know i just want to and therefore i'm gonna make it happen and don't tell me its impossible cos i know its hard to make that happen but i just wanna say that la ok now bug off) and we'll be such good friends everyone will be sooo jealous of us and hahaahahha i'll be the happiest girl in the whole wide world. ok i just got up to take something and i got that funny sort of lightheadedness again which sometimes get so bad i have to lean against the wall for support. i won't deny that i'm not concerned about it but i just have no time to think about shit like that. honestly, i hope Lord will take me away to be with him soon. he's the only friend i've got now...

gonna go mug at the airport now. two years of work in a few hours. wish me all the best peeps. screwed up my chem so i HAVE to score reaaaaaaaally well. for my worst subject. ah fuck. ok gtg they're all there already i think. fashionably late hahahahahahahaha ok shit byebye

Lord... anything and everything you do is so wonderful! i guess you made the ireland chapter the only chapter that would stay inside my head for a reason. ain't confident about getting an A though. the studying i did was too much of a last-minute work but i'm still thankful. first time that my ss script had all the questions answered! hope you're proud of me...

just got back from the airport. stayed there till like 9+++, studying chem. jarrold and rick kept teaching me stuff aye thanks alot guys. but i think i'm gonna flunk it anyway... :( no sleepin' for me tonight again. gotta rush out all my chem stuff. titration...wtf is that???! and don't nag at me i can manage. really. and no you're NOT to tell me things like 'you won't be able to concentrate tomorrow'. you're not allowed to. so there. byebye.

i have not slept one wink. eyes are damn red for some reason. just finished studying the ireland thing. sigh i really hope it comes out cos that's the only one which i can like really REALLY remember. gonna go meet derrick at mac now. bloody bookshops... no stock for emath fys so now i have to do some last minute work with his book. ta people pray for me ok :'(

Two words: Beautiful and Meaningful

When you think of your past love,
you may view it as a failure.
But when you find a new love,
you view the past as a teacher.

In the game of love,
it doesn't really matter who won or who lost.
What is important is you know when to hold on
and when to let go!

You know you really love someone
when you want him or her to be happy,
even if their happiness means that you're not part of it.

Everything happens for the best.
If the person you love doesn't love you back,
don't be afraid to love someone else again,
for you'll never know unless you give it a try.

You'll never love a person you love unless you risk for love.
Love strives in hurting.
If you don't get hurt, you don't learn how to love.
Love doesn't hurt all the time.
Though the hurting is still there to test you, to help you grow.

Don't find love, let love find you.
That's why it's called falling in love
because you don't force yourself to fall.
You just fall.

You cannot finish a book without closing it's chapters.
If you want to go on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages.

Love is not destroyed by a single failure
or won by a single caress.
It is a lifetime venture
in which we are always learning, discovering and growing.

The greatest irony of love is letting go
when you need to hold on
and holding on when you need to let go.
We lose someone we love
only when we are destined to find someone else who can love us even more than we can love ourselves.

On falling out of love,
take some time to heal and then get beckon the horse.
But don't ever make the same mistake of riding the same one
that threw you the first time.

To love is to risk rejection,
to live is to risk dying,
to hope is to risk failure.
But risk must must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is risk nothing!

To reach for another is to risk involvement,
to expose your feelings is to expose true self,
to love is to risk not to be loved in return.

How to define love:
fall but do not stumble,
be constant but not too persistent,
share and never be unfair,
understand and try not to demand,
hurt but never keep the pain.

Love is like a knife.
It can stab the heart
or it can carve wonderful images into the soul that always last for a lifetime.

Love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling.
It should inspire you and give you joy and strength.
But sometimes the things that give you joy
can also hurt you in the end.

Loving people means giving them the freedom;
who they choose to be and where they choose to be.

For all the heartaches and the tears,
for gloomy days and fruitless years,
you should give thanks, for you know,
that there were the things that helped you grow.

Loving someone means giving him the freedom to find his way,
whether it leads towards you
or away from you.

Love is a painful risk to take
but the risk must be taken no matter how scary or painful,
for only then
you'll experience the fullness of humanity and that is love.

Only love can hurt your heart,
fill you with desire
and tear you apart.
Only love can make you cry
and only love knows why.

If you're not ready to cry,
if you're not ready to take the risk,
if you're not ready to feel the pain,
then you're not ready to fall in love.

There was a time in our lives
when we became afraid to fall in love 'coz every time we do,
we get hurt,
then I figured that's why it's called falling in love.

- Shaun Lau

i'm still awake. o.m.g.

hey peeps. won't be blogging so regularly now. killer week in approx. two days time!!!! :O :O :O! so i'll be on hiatus till around the 10th? :) but you never know. two months ago (i think) i said goodbye cos i'm moving my computer out of my room but in the end it went in and out of my room for a week until i finally decided to let it stay here.

and yesterday, i was on another of my 'where and when in the hell will we be applying this mathematical formula in life' talk. i was pretty upset over trigo and algebra. as if shops will price their items with a 4x² + 16xy + y² = 0 (???) -.-

i hate social studies. byebye

confused now. a little sad. a little happy. a little upset. a little fearful. a little worried. but very confused. sigh. i'm so sorry. i didn't know how to tell you this last night. i hope you'll read this here: i want you to give me some time.

two more days to my ss paper and i haven't studied a single thing. don't ask me what have i been doing for the past few weeks cos i'll get angry with you. at least i practiced math the whole day yesterday. threw tantrums at my teachers halfway :( so sorry.

sigh. i'm so scared. i'm not prepared for the Os at all...

laura's blog: the only reason why i couldn't sleep was becos i was worrying for bernie. dear girl, stay strong. I know how you feel.. God will be there for you! i prayed for you last night, i hope you're feeling better. you can always call me in the middle of the night, i'll be there for you. :) -big hug!-
she. is such a sweetheart :') love love :')

Lord, i pray that you'll watch over me during the weekend and ensure that i get adequate rest and prepare me for next week, the killer week. i know you've been watching over me for the past few years although i've failed to attend church for almost 4 years. will go back to your humble house soon after my O levels end. watch over me will you? i can't let anyone down, not now. not You, not my parents, not my teachers and not my coach.. you know what my family's going through now, i really need to make it into a jc. i promise you i'll put in all i've got and push myself during these last few days of preparation. amen.

yet another sleepless night

It's a shame there's no one to blame for all the pain that life brings says:
i really appreciate it
ken says:
haha what are friends for then

THEN I STARTED CRYING -.- wtf? don't know what's wrong with me these days...

no use crying over spilt milk. just have to really score for my next lit paper. have to get like 80+++ :( gonna take a nap now. when i wake up, i'm gonna study ss all the way till bedtime.

and no dinner for me today. i've been a very bad girl. so bad, that i gained 1kg. the other day i was saying i wanna be a size 000000 (hahahaha i was kidding. kinda :l). then wesley told me to check up anorexia on google images hahahahahaha ok i thought that was very funny :( goodnight people.

reached home. burst into tears. i screwed up my literature paper. big time. i left two sub-questions out. and the whole paper consisted of only 4 sub-questions. i fucking hate myself for being so careless. i fucking know how to grasp the whole of the second sub-question. the one where they asked 'with close referance to one poem in theme five, explain the hardship some children have to go through etc etc etc' I FUCKING KNOW HOW TO DO THAT. SO MANY FUCKING POEMS ABOUT THAT. tich miller... the louisa dell one... i just didn't have fucking enough time to do all 4 questions. i needed at least another hour to fully touch on and finish all 4 questions. and lit is one of my best subjects. but i fucking screwed it up. was hoping lit can pull up my other grades. like my fucking c6 for chinese... screwed up shit. i hate green beret. i hate fucking poems. i'm gonna burn my fucking poetry book now. i hate everything. i hate my fucking life. i hate my fucking small pea-sized brain which can't seem to remember anything. i hate bloody o levels. i wish i was in IP. i wish i'm in nyjc's ip programme but that's not possible cos they don't have it but i don't care i'm not backspacing what i just typed. day after day, i begin to hate more and more things. i begin to wonder why life is sucha hard thing to handle. and if life is a game, i wonder why i seem to be losing all the time.

but i'm really thankful for the people around me. my friends. my family. sigh my fucking lit... i need to do well for o levels. i don't wanna let my parents down. i don't wanna let my teachers down. and most importantly, i can't bear to let coach down. i haven't been setting my priorities right. and i'm bearing the consequences now. gonna empty my tear ducts out byebye

i can't seem to tag my own board. anyway, i just got off the phone with him.

to you.
sometimes i really wish i can have the old you back. the one i met at zhiwei's house on the 11th of february. the one i spent 5 months smsing, talking on the phone, and having hours of msn chats with. the one who just can't get enough of me.
i'm sorry. i already felt as though i couldn't be in this relationship anymore a few days ago. i really can't trust you anymore, and i know its not completely your fault.
remember when called me three nights ago? i still remember the exact conversation.
"baby do you still love me?"
"(i didn't say anything)"
"baby. do you still love me?"
"huh.."
"ok nevermind. i know you don't. but i want you to know even if you don't i'll still love you ok?"

it was sweet of you. i know. as much as i was touched (really touched), i couldn't bring myself to really love you again. its as though i'm forbidding myself to do it. i've gone through too much. too much hurt, too much pain, one too many emotional breakdowns. you might say that i've been pitying myself too much and who knows, maybe its true. in that case, however cliche might sound, its just me, not you. but yea i just couldn't bring myself to love you again, because in my heart, its as though all the hurt and pain will happen again and i really can't take that. really.

please don't argue with this: you've been really impatient and short-tempered with me lately.

just now, all i wanted was to clarify some matters with you. i kept telling myself maybe breakup isn't the only way out. there might be other ways to salvage our relationship. but from the way you reacted, i could tell there is no other way. getting angry and shouting and making outbursts of rage, all because i asked you 'why have you been so short-tempered with me lately?' you said you answered my question already. let me refresh your memory. you haven't. all you said was "i don't know" , "you should go to sleep now we can talk about this another day" , "you've already asked that"
and then you start getting angry when i repeated my question, saying that you've "already answered that question so many times" and that the reason you get so angry with me when i ask that is because "i keep asking you questions you've already answered".

even if you did, which you didn't, why do you get angry with me over a simple thing like asking questions? if i've asked you that before, so be it. why do you have to get angry? is it worth straining our relationship over it? is it worth making me upset over it?

just now i asked you "what's wrong with you lately?". and you replied "what's wrong with ME??".so ok fine. so i asked "ok so what's wrong with me then". and you couldn't give me an answer. you kept saying "don't know la" and "you should go to sleep". i really wanted to know the answer. after that you got angry with me. again. all i've done was to leave you alone.

and then after a few more minutes of your angry outbursts and me calmly repeating my questions, you hung up on me. i lay in bed for a few minutes, just thinking what i should do next. i got the answer pretty soon. its hard not to when for the past few weeks i've been nothing but a very upset girlfriend, and for the past week, an emoshit.

called you back, and mentioned break up. i don't know why i cried. please ignore the crying part of the conversation, i know you get irritated when i cry. and then you said things like you don't know what i want etc etc. asked me to look at your latest smses, saying that you talked to me very nicely. you said that's what i want, nice smses, and you gave me that and you don't know what else i want and don't understand why i'm so unhappy.

let me take what you said a couple of weeks ago as an example. we were quarreling. i said "i let you go clubbing, leave you alone, let you spend time with your friends, what else you want?" and then you said "letting me go out with my friends is something RIGHT. i should be able to go out with my friends." yes, i agree with you on that. so now what i'm saying is, isn't sending me nice smses a right thing to do? i'm your girlfriend?? or WAS your girlfriend. don't tell me you like sending me nasty messages 24/7. and if you actually have to make an effort to be nice to me, wow. that just hurts. that's why i said just now that you can't stand me, tired of me and all. and then you argued and said the reason why you're tired of me is cos i keep asking you the same questions over and over again. ????? okay...

and i really, really cannot forget the terribly horrendous stuff you've said to me. stuff like 'slut', 'bitch', telling me i might as well be a pole dancer when i wore a tube top with a skirt to Vaunt, and lastly (of all the insults, this hurt me the most), asking me how it felt to get gang-banged by thai dicks when i came back from malaysia. its pretty amazing how you have the heart to say all that to me even though you love me. you might say that you said all that in spite, because you were angry. but i can't just keep taking all your insults and forget them after that, even if you apologised. those hurtful words are just etched inside me already.

i don't want to rant too much. and finally, i asked you if you like the way things are now. us barely sending each other 5smses/day, barely talking on the phone, going out only like once a month. and you said yes. yes, you like the way things are now. i don't even want to mention my reaction when i heard that. all these plus

- i cannot call you in the middle of the night if i can't sleep, cos you will be angry with me and shout at me and ask me to go sleep, and when i say that i can't sleep, you ask me to try. as if i never try before calling you. i only call you as a last resort now. do you know that? too clear about your reaction.
- i cannot sms you as and when i feel like it, cos you'll feel irritated.
- i cannot ask you questions, cos you'll get angry at me again and say that you feel so controlled and that you always have to answer to me.
- i cannot restrict anything you do, cos you'll be saying i'm not happy to let you do the things you want to do.
- i cannot ask you to go out with me, cos you'll say that i force you to go out with me. and even when i do ask you to go out with me, the outing will be like a one-sided one. you aren't happy about going out on that day, and you fucking show it. the only time when we can go out together is when you ask me to. and even so, i'm sure that will be to the bare minimum. the bare minimum.

i'm not fabricating all of these. it has happened before. maybe there are others but i can't seem to recall. initially, i had alot of things i wanted to mention about but i can't seem to remember now. but what's the point of remembering all of that? its not as if you'll change. you obviously don't feel how you've treated me is wrong. i won't be surprised if even until now, you feel that i've been doing all the wrecking in our relationship. but i can't do anything about that. i shouldn't even care anymore. and maybe i don't. or maybe i do. but time heals all wounds so i'll definitely be fine after a while.

i hope you'll do fine in your IB course next year. i don't know what course it is but i'm sure its a good one. don't let your daddy down. he has high hopes on you. and try to control your temper sometimes. i know you get angry easily and lots of things make you agitated but there's no point getting angry. do you recall a passage in the chinese o level paper talking about anger? hope you'll take that seriously. it really pains me to see how angry you can get over minor things. and lastly, i hope that you'll really find the girl who loves you for who you are. one who doesn't make you so angry and frustrated all the time. thank you for this 8, close to 9, months relationship. plus the memorable five months before that. i'll never forget that. take care.

mommy talked to me today. asked if there's anything she can do to make me happier. then i was like o_O??? then she said stuff like i haven't been myself lately, that i seem so sad and all. then i wanted to cry. hahahaha but of course i didn't so i just shooed her away and said everything's fine and that my tv show's starting...lol -.-

studied at airport's bk today. started crying in the middle i was like wtf??? so i just kept taking deep breaths and tried not to sniffle so loudly. i mean seriously i wasn't thinking about sad stuff or anything. or maybe it was because i was listening to emo songs.

aiyeee i'm so not ready for the lit paper tomorrow. i'm not ready for any papers. i hate o levels. but i wanna get into nyjc. then after that, i can predict that i'll hate a levels too.

i love life. it rocks. \m/ (hahahhaha)

crying again. this time for a totally different reason. i'm touched. by my friends. after i read sheena's tag, i started tearing but i started crying when karmen said 'alot of pple do care abt u honey'. i don't know. then i remembered yuhan asking me today what's with my blog, saying that i don't sound like the bernie she used to know. sheena included. maybe i'm just an emoshit these days. didn't know so many people care about me. haha that's true. always thought i was some loser. i mean, i wasn't exactly the most popular girl since young. people these days are superficial beings. skin-deep. they might say they're not, but deep down inside somewhere people are still pretty superficial. ever wondered why the pretty girls get all the attention. haha ok this will be in another post. or maybe not. i'm tired of being emo. but i can't seem to stop.

something to ponder about: how come the person i want to be cared by isn't caring about me?