i suddenly feel so motherfuckingly depressed. and shit i'm having hallucinations which feels kinda creepy and weird but i feel happy at the same time cos it proves that i haven't been sleeping well/much/at all and actually that's even more weird cos no one sane should feel happy about it. haven't been eating well lately too but i'm not complaining i really need to lose the pounds i gained after i stopped training and i know i'm rambling again you should really stop reading this cos i'm probably going to end it with a fuck you or something and its gonna contain many many profanities which i know people like ms tan wouldn't appreciate (haha.) and i'm so fucking depressed now i think i screwed my Os i can't get into nyjc to play vball for coach anymore and that just sucks and sigh i need to go do some reflections. what have i fucking done for these 16 years of my life. and one more thing. i can't seem to find that ONE motherfucking true friend who will be there for me always i want that one friend to be with me throughout the entire span of my life and we'll be there for each other for like the next 84 years (i'm gonna die at exactly 100 and don't ask why or how i know i just want to and therefore i'm gonna make it happen and don't tell me its impossible cos i know its hard to make that happen but i just wanna say that la ok now bug off) and we'll be such good friends everyone will be sooo jealous of us and hahaahahha i'll be the happiest girl in the whole wide world. ok i just got up to take something and i got that funny sort of lightheadedness again which sometimes get so bad i have to lean against the wall for support. i won't deny that i'm not concerned about it but i just have no time to think about shit like that. honestly, i hope Lord will take me away to be with him soon. he's the only friend i've got now...